The Pain Won't Go Away
by XxFallingFeathersxX
Summary: After their breakup, Alec finds a new way to cope. Contains violence, blood, canon boy x boy, Alec x Magnus.
1. Chapter 1

Since I am waiting anxiously for City of Heavenly Fire to come out (although it won't come out until spring 2014), I have satisfied myself by writing morbid fanfiction! 8D Yay for psychos!

Or something.

* * *

He put the blade to his forearm and drew it across slowly. Crimson blood welled along the cut. He smiled.

It had been almost a week since Magnus had broken up with him. Alec had found it harder and harder to cope. His chest was always tight. He had never been stabbed, but he thought this was what it might feel like. A sharp pain that started in his chest, then spread like lava through his body, leaving a dead numbness in its wake.

Izzy had given him rune after rune-peace, calm, healing, silence, love, gentle, hope, sleep.

None of them worked.

The pain still remained.

He had found one way to deaden the pain, however. His arms were crisscrossed with wounds that he didn't bother healing. He liked seeing the blood. He liked the pain.

He brought the newest cut to his lips. His tongue graced the wound. Pain rose like fire. The coppery, metallic taste of blood flooded his mouth. He closed his eyes. He relished in the hurt.

The pain didn't stop.

It only got worse.

And Alec welcomed it.


	2. Chapter 2

Since I'm getting so many requests to continue this story, I will-until I run out of chapters and ideas ;)

So here's chapter two.

* * *

He had regretted the decision the instant he had made it.

Magnus loved Alec with all of his heart. Probably more. Without Alec, he was...incomplete. Not whole. Lonely, tired, sad, and cold. He had felt a lot of pain in his five-hundred-some years. He figured this probably topped the list of things that hurt.

He hated seeing the sadness and puppy-like innocence in Alec's sparkling eyes. When he'd seen those eyes that night in the subway tunnel, he had wanted to pull the Shadowhunter to his chest. Hug him. Hold him. Whisper sweet, soft nothings into his ear. Not push him away. Not make him hurt. Not make him cry.

Not make _himself_ cry.

The instant Magnus had shut the door behind him in his flat, he had burst into tears.

~flashback~

_The door shut with a definitive click. Magnus clutched his side, which was throbbing. Walking a good portion of Brooklyn probably hadn't been a smart move with injuries like he had._

_"Magnus-please-please-give me another chance."_

_"I can't do that. You tried to shorten my life, Alec. That's why I wanted the Book of the White. Immortality is bleak...endless days stretching out in front of you...watching people you care about die... We could be together forever. But my life is not something you have power over, Alec."_

_"Just give me a second chance. Please!"_

_"No. I can't."_

_"...Kiss me."_

_Magnus raised his fingers to his lips now and felt them quivering. He bit down hard and shut his eyes. He hadn't cried in four-hundred-fifty years. He wasn't going to start now. He wasn't going to break down into tears like some emotional little-_

_He collapsed against the wall and started to sob._

~end flashback~

Magnus clutched the pillow in his lap tighter. His TV was playing softly across the room. His windows were shut and his curtains were drawn. Chairman Meow was curled up at his side, sound asleep with one paw on Magnus's leg.

The pain was still raw in his chest. No amount of whiskey, _Gilligan's Island_, or cuddling with his tabby could heal the throbbing hurt he felt every time he breathed.

Well, there was only one thing to do about that, then. The only thing at all that would make the pain go away.

He picked up his phone and shakily started to dial.

* * *

**A/N**

**Cliffhanger! I'm so mean. *spins in revolving chair while stroking Chairman Meow* Should I continue it? R&R please!**


	3. Chapter 3

I'm just on a roll with this! Haha :P

So here's chapter three... A bit more emotional than the last two. I mean, if the last two weren't emotional. I thought they were. But I'm always too over-critical of myself.

* * *

"Hello?"

Magnus swallowed. "I-Isabelle?"

"Magnus?"

"Hey, um... Is Alec there?" He felt like a schoolkid who was calling to talk to his best friend but had gotten his parents instead.

"Alec-oh." She was silent for a while. When she spoke again, her voice was sad. "He's locked himself in his bedroom. He hasn't come out for three and a half days."

Magnus's heart skipped a beat.

"He's sealed it with a rune, but I don't know which one," Izzy continued. "I can't break it without overwriting it, but he made it from the inside. I don't even know if he's eating."

"Oh."

That was all Magnus could think to say, was 'Oh'. Highly inadequate.

"Um..." Izzy made a shuffling noise. "Listen, if he comes out, I'll tell him you called, o-okay?" She sounded nervous, like she was about to be rebuked for something.

"Okay. Yeah. Great. Good." Magnus petted Chairman Meow's tail. "Good. Fine. Yeah."

"A-Are you okay?"

"Fine. Perfect. Tell him I called." He snapped his phone shut and threw it across the room. It hit the wall with a satisfying _crack_.

Chairman Meow stood and stretched his slim back. Then he crawled into Magnus's lap, put his front paws up on the warlock's chest, and purred, touching their noses. Magnus pet him absently.

"I'm sorry," Magnus whispered to his cat. Chairman settled down with his paws still on Magnus's chest, put his head between them, and looked up with big green eyes.

That reminded him of Alec.

~flashback~

_Exhausted, loving, and trembling a bit, Alec lowered himself onto Magnus's chest. His Mark-scarred arms went around Magnus's torso, his chin resting on his breastbone._

_"I love you," he whispered with a sleepy smile, eyes glowing in the rapidly darkening bedroom._

~end flashback~

"I love you too," Magnus breathed. Chairman mewed.

**.x.**

Alec picked at the scab on his wrist.

"Alec? Please open the door," Izzy begged. "At least let me give you some food. You haven't eaten."

Alec shrugged to himself. Peeling back the scab, he dug his fingers into the rawness underneath.

"Please answer me," Izzy pleaded, knocking again.

When Alec didn't respond, she made a whimpering exhaling noise. "I'm ordering Italian if you want some," she said. Her footsteps trailed sadly away. He looked at the knife in front of him. The blade was stained with fresh blood. The newest cut, just above the crook of his elbow, hadn't stopped bleeding yet. It still hurt. They all did.

He fingered the newest Mark on his forearm. _Love_.

It reminded him of Magnus.

He looked at his cell phone on his bedside table. The screen had lit up a while ago with a new text from Jace. He didn't bother answering it. Jace wouldn't care anyway.

Alec's stomach roared with the thought of Italian food. He had always loved garlic pasta.

Tenderly, he picked himself up off of the bed and reached for his jacket. Pulling on the soft fabric made him feel somewhat better. He saw a hole in the sleeve and thought about the story behind it.

~flashback~

_Alec threw another pillow to the ground. "Magnus?" he called. "Have you seen my jacket? I can't find it!"_

_"The black fleece one?"_

_"Yeah! The hoodie!"_

_Magnus came into the room holding a black cloth. Chairman Meow dangled from it._

_"M-My jacket!" Alec spluttered. "Why does Chairman have it?"_

_"He was sleeping on it," Magnus replied. He picked up his cat and cradled him, handing Alec the jacket with his free hand. "It has some cat hair on it."_

_Alec smelled it. "It smells like your cat too." He put it on, and discovered a snag in one sleeve. Frustrated, he pulled at the string. When it snapped, a tiny hole was left._

_"Your cat put a hole in my jacket," Alec complained, glaring at the purring kitten._

_"He didn't mean it." Magnus cupped his chin in one hand and kissed the Shadowhunter's lips. "He loves you. Just like I do."_

~end flashback~

It was funny how many of his memories contained Magnus.

Zipping up his jacket and pulling down the sleeves to hide his cut wrists and arms, Alec undid the Lock rune on his door, opened it, and emerged into the Institute.

He needed a lot of garlic pasta.

* * *

**A/N**

**I think it's cute that most of their memories, when they're 'fighting' air quote air quote, end up being of each other.**

**So R&R please!**

**...Does anyone actually read the author's notes?**


	4. Chapter 4

Mainly reflection in this chapter, some fluff and a few tears.

Not flashback tears. Legitimate tears.

* * *

Izzy looked up—and exhaled happily. "Alec!" she exclaimed. He was rubbing his arms through his fleece jacket and his eyes were shadowed. But he smiled tiredly when he saw her.

"I want some garlic pasta," he said when she opened her mouth to ask something else. "Breadsticks. Garlic butter, too."

She couldn't measure the thrill of glee that rushed through her when she realized he was going to start eating.

"Of course," she said. Turning back to the phone, which still had yet to be dialed, she paused and added in a quieter voice, "Magnus called for you an hour ago."

She sensed him freeze.

"Really?" he asked, his voice low and cool. "I'll call him back."

**.x.**

Alec sucked in a particularly long noodle through his lips and eyed his phone like a snake poised to strike. He had a heart engraved onto the front cover—the result of his lovesick mind when he had gotten his hand on a knife.

Like the one on his bed.

He turned his gaze to the wicked blade. It mocked him in the light. It mocked his weakness.

That's all his cutting was. Weakness. He used to believe pain was weakness leaving a body, but in his case, the pain was just making his weakness grow.

That first night, he had cried. He wouldn't deny it. He couldn't deny it. After that...he had sort of shut all his tears off. And he had smiled.

Bitter smiles. Flashes of teeth. More mocking than pleasing. He smiled to harden himself. He smiled to convince himself he was doing the right thing. He smiled _for the sole purpose of tormenting himself._

And then the cutting had started.

He had started with nail scratches on his arms, out of boredom and finding a distraction. Then he found the pain _was_ a great distraction. He had moved to nail cutters. They had left shallow scrapes. Then he had moved to the bathroom scissors. Those had worked until he had broken the damn things in an angry fit. His knife worked better.

A sharp blade so it wouldn't hurt as much at first. A reflective surface to look at himself in.

To look at his shallow self.

_Oh. By the fucking Angel._

Alec's fork clattered to his plate. He kicked the knife away with all the strength he had. It fell to the floor, out of sight. He fumbled for his stele with badly shaking hands. He ripped his jacket off, whispering, "Fuck. Damn. Fuck it all," under his breath over and over. Trembling, he tore off his shirt and slipped off the bed onto the floor. He dropped his stele. Swore. Picked it back up.

Scared of himself, it took him three times before he successfully connected the arms of the star on his shoulder. Warm fire crept over his arms. The scabs disappeared and healed. He gasped like a diver coming up for air.

He bent double. Clutched his head in his hands.

And started crying.

**.x.**

Magnus didn't know what to expect when his phone rang. He expected it to go to voicemail. He didn't expect it to be repeated. Four times.

He finally dislodged an indignant Chairman Meow from his lap, stood up, and picked up his phone from across the room as it rang again. This time, he looked at the caller ID.

_Alec._

His breath caught. Flipping it open, he pressed it to his ear. "A-Alec?"

Nothing but silence.


	5. Chapter 5

**_So_** on a roll it hurts *laughs and falls over onto a pile of feathers* I love not having writer's block!

* * *

Silence met his words.

"Alec?" Magnus repeated, his voice softer. This time, he heard sniffling and stifled sobs. His worry escalated into near-panic.

"Alexander, are you okay?" he demanded.

"M-Magnus, please," he whimpered into the phone. "I n-need you. Please. I know you're mad at me but-but I need you. P-Please. C-Can you come over? Izzy wo-won't understand." He broke down into tears again.

"Calm down, Alec," Magnus soothed, stumbling into his shoes and jerking on his jacket with one hand. Which was more difficult than he expected. "I'll be there as soon as possible."

He snapped his phone shut, twisted his scarf around his neck, and took off out the door.

Chairman Meow mewed in lonliness and confusion as the door slammed shut.

**.x.**

He didn't meet Izzy as he tore through the Institute. Alec had given him the Angel's blessing, and the Institute was open to him to come and go as he pleased.

He almost missed Alec's room, but he skidded to an awkward halt, backtracked, and pushed open the door.

Alec was doubled over on the floor, face in his hands, trying but failing to stifle his crying. A knife lay against the wall on the other side of his bed. A plate of half-eaten pasta sat on the bed. His phone was on the ground, as was his shirt, jacket, and stele.

"Alec," Magnus whispered, walking to his (ex-)lover's side and kneeling. Alec looked up with big, dark eyes swimming with tears.

"Magnus," he sobbed, lurching forward and clinging to his shirt. Magnus pulled him into his embrace and held him tight. He stroked the Shadowhunter's back, just between his shoulder blades. Alec had had a panic attack once before, and now Magnus recognized the irregular, shockingly fast heartbeat, the jerky breathing, and choking sobs.

"Calm down," Magnus whispered. "It's okay, I'm right here. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax, babe. Just let it all out." Alec's fists clenched tighter in Magnus's t-shirt. "Calm down, can you do that? Just breathe slow, sweetheart. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, Shadow."

It took a while and some soft nothings, but Alec's sobs subisded into soft cries, then into sniffling and shaky breaths. He sat up a bit, his chest rising and falling irregularly. He kept his eyes averted, until they found the knife. He made a choked noise.

"I'm so dumb," he gasped out. "I-I thought-more pain would-would make it stop h-hurting. I-I-" He took in a few huge breaths and held one. Then he let it out slowly. "I would have killed myself."

Magnus cupped his cheek in one hand and kissed him.

It wasn't like their kiss in the subway tunnel. This one was gentle and soft, comforting and sweet. Alec seemed lost for a moment before he kissed back like he used to. His hands went to Magnus's neck, then around his back to knot in his shirt. He parted his lips just enough for Magnus to slip his tongue in. Alec went limp against his chest amd moaned, a tiny sound in his throat.

They kissed for a while before they broke apart. Alec was panting, his eyes brimming with more tears.

"I'm sorry for everything I said," Magnus said first. "I'm sorry. I should have given you a second chance. It hurt me so much to see you so scared and...in pain." He stroked Alec's hair back. "Can you forgive me?"

The last part was said in unison with the scared Shadowhunter. Magnus kissed away a tear that fell down his cheek.

"I love you, Alec."

"I love you too."

There was a pause.

"Magnus?"

"Yes, Shadow?"

"...Hold me."

"I am."

"Tighter."

Another pause.

"And kiss me."

"Of course."

* * *

**A/N**

**This is the final chapter! I think it turned out beautifully, don't you? R&R if you please!**


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